Papa, If I was to tell that I am a Lesbian, Would You Still Love Me?

The day Sifa (well, let’s call her that) called me saying, “We are coming to see you”, somehow I knew we wouldn’t be talking about the latest hip bar, the latest hot woman or who was dating whom.

Sifa is what you can call one hell of a woman. A very tall, masculine woman with a big voice, she is always seen in the latest hip-hop fashions as seen in American music videos. Sifa is a 36-year-old lesbian, big, beautiful, and bold. She is well connected to the Congolese star system too, always hanging out with the most popular musicians. Some even ask her to look after their girlfriends/mistresses when they’re busy. She’s the sort of person who, shall we say, makes friends easily.

An orphan, Sifa is one of the numerous children of a well-known merchant who had made a fortune in wholesale business. We first met five years ago through a mutual friend who linked us after she found out I was an activist for lesbian and gay rights. Actually, Sifa and I had met before, very briefly, during our school days, but I did not want to remind her of this past connection.

I’m now getting to the real story. It all began when Sifa met another Congolese woman from abroad, on Facebook. Their friendship grew to a point where this woman decided to come back home after many years just to meet Sifa. The friendship turned into an intense relationship, which the woman’s family did not approve. The family went as far as to denounce Sifa to the police, claiming that she was recruiting under-aged girls to act in pornographic movies at her place.

The day Sifa and her older sister paid me a visit, I was meeting the sister for the first time and seeing Sifa for the first time since she had had some surgery. The sister informed me that for the last two days, Sifa had been living with her because of a situation with her father. The sister had come to see me so that I would realize how serious the situation was. Their father had summoned them this same day to a meeting, so they came to beg me to accompany them. The sister argued that I was the only person who could speak to their father and tell him what was going on in Sifa’s head, and possibly in her body. (She had seen me speak in public meetings and thought her father would listen to me as well.) They even had a car waiting for me to me navigate, as painlessly as possible, Kinshasa’s traffic jams.

In this whole experience, what really touched me the most was the sincerity of this well-known businessman, whom I was meeting for the first time. The still fit, sixty-year-old man greeted me in his well-decorated living room and proceeded to serve me water and snacks.

“Did you see what just happened?” he asked me. I could not understand what he meant by that. “Did you see how Sifa helped to start the generator? Before you got here, all the men in the house were desperately trying to figure out how to fix the generator. She gets here and in no time the thing is working again,” said the proud father.

Then I got it. When we arrived in this imposing house, there was no electricity, and all the men of the house were trying to get the generator started without success. Then came Sifa and her knowledge of all things electrical; in no time she started the generator.

“This was my first time meeting a homosexual with so much family support.”

Her father went on to tell me about how he built his wealth, step by step, with a lot of personal sacrifices. Growing up with a widowed mother, Sifa’s father recalled eating the same meal many days in a row, selling matches from town to town, using public showers at train stations to take his only shower of the day, until becoming the leading supplier of freight containers in the entire Congolese state.

He continued, “For the African that I am, it is very painful to hear people say that I offered my children’s soul to juju to become wealthy, even though I had them before my fortune. I already have a daughter who is not well. She has what they call ‘collepsie.’ She sleeps more than average people do. I had to send her to Europe for care and to avoid gossip. Now, my other daughter, Sifa, tells me she feels like a man in a woman’s body!”

I could hear the pain coming straight from the bottom of his heart. It was also the cry of a father who had just been forced to pay $5,000 to the police so that they would not jail his daughter. And this was not the first time he had to pay the police. It might not be the last either. He told me that even if he loved all his children, he felt that it was about time for Sifa to leave the family and think about alternatives in her life because her current choices were costing the entire family dear.

So here I found myself in the middle of this family drama because Sifa’s older sister had promised their father she would find a person who could explain Sifa’s sexual orientation and show him that Sifa wasn’t the only one. For Sifa the important thing was that I should convince her father that homosexuals could live happy lives, that they were as capable as anyone else of providing for themselves and that they did not have to rely on their family’s financial support.

I felt humbled by Sifa’s trust, but my friendship with her really started when I offered her a position in the NGO that I manage. Later, I learned that I had been very instrumental in sparking her interest in LGBT activism. Part of our work is to sensitize the thousand lesbians and queer women who use the center, dreaming of going to Europe or the US to live their sexuality openly. I constantly bring to their attention that no matter the context, gays face challenges everywhere. I usually argue that it is up to the LGBT and queer Congolese to fight for their rights and to stand up against police extortions that ruin their lives and rob their families. It is up to them to challenge the police arrests and rapes in prisons and to take on the system that forces us to leave schools because of our real or perceived sexual orientation or gender identity. These are some of the same arguments I presented to her father as well.

As for Sifa, who still dreams of going to live in the US, I have been asking her to reconsider her situation. She is worried that police extortion will ruin her father. I asked her to channel her anger, frustration, rage, and disappointment towards the struggle for gay rights in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Meanwhile, I begged Sifa’s father to take back his daughter because she needs his understanding, love, and support to live as a lesbian in Kinshasa. Since this family mediation five months ago, Sifa has returned to her father’s home, after three months of self-imposed exile to clear her mind, and her father has shown his interest in becoming a spokesperson to support my organization to conduct similar family mediations. This was my first time meeting a homosexual with so much family support.

Whenever I think of this story, an image of a poster in my office comes to mind. It is a beautiful image of a a mother who is smiling at her child. The caption reads: “Mom, if you knew I was gay, would you still have loved me?”

Codes Vestimentaires

Par Tanlume Enyatseng. Photos de Giancarlo Calaméo LaGuerta

Enfant, mon style vestimentaire n’était pas très habillé. Déjà à dix ans, je préférais porter des collants en latex vert fluo, des t-shirts teintés et des sandales – le résultat étant habituellement désastreux. J’enviais ces garçons à l’apparence plus soignée ; ceux qui pouvaient se pavaner sans peine dans leurs pantalons taillés sur mesure, rehaussés de chemises de golf impeccables. Mais au fond, j’étais un hipster, toujours dans une brocante à la recherche d’une bonne affaire, une veste en peau de serpent par exemple, ce qui, pour une raison quelconque, il me fallait absolument posséder.

J’expérimentais constamment avec mon habillement ; ce qui explique une certaine photo de moi, à deux ans, dans une robe de bal des années 80, criarde et mal ajustée. Oui, une ROBE ! Ma mère était complice dans ce genre de combine ; elle adorait nous mettre, mes sœurs aînées et moi, dans divers accoutrements ridicules. Je crois qu’elle ne s’était pas encore faite à l’idée d’avoir un fils, en tout cas, pas avant que mon petit frère ne naisse.

Je pense sincèrement qu’il y avait des moments où je perdais complètement la raison. Permettez-moi donc de vous présenter quelque unes de mes catastrophes
vestimentaires…
En 1999, j’étais un petit garçon insouciant de onze ans, obsédé par les Spice Girls. Y-a- t-il jamais eu un temps où les chaussettes montantes Nike allaient bien avec un short en jean et un polo Lacoste rose ? J’étais peut-être satisfait de ma tenue, mais sur la photo qui avait été prise ce jour-là, je suis maigre et arbore un air gêné. Mes cheveux sont coiffés en Afro, les débuts de la puberté ont rendu ma peau grasse et les baguettes qui me servent de jambes s’inclinent dans un angle plutôt bizarre, comme celles de Bambi lorsqu’elle apprend à marcher pour la première fois.

Deux ans plus tard, je remontais le sentier infernal de l’adolescence. Autrement dit, j’étais un crétin accompli.

Et mes vêtements le reflétaient bien. J’étais également en pleine transition du privé au public et les gars de ma nouvelle école étaient très rigoureux pour ce qui était de renforcer l’ordre hiérarchique. Si vous n’étiez pas grand et musclé, vous deveniez facilement une cible. Vous deveniez un paria confiné aux recoins obscurs de la cantine, ou pire.

Dieu seul sait comment j’avais réussi à leur échapper et à éviter d’être à la fois traité de ringard et de faire l’objet de moqueries. Une fois la peur de me faire harceler dissipée – et toute ambition de devenir populaire envolée – je m’attelais à explorer mes fantaisies vestimentaires.

A l’époque, je m’inspirais des clips de Kwaito, et cette brève période passée dans la sous-culture Manyora eut un effet intéressant sur mon style. Fini les shorts à carreaux et les accessoires Nike. A la place, des ensembles deux pièces Dickies, des Converse et des chapeaux à godets. J’étais le mec qui essayait d’attirer l’attention grâce à ses vêtements et en faisait un peu trop. J’ai même une fois porté une toge en soie (façon Trompies) pour venir à l’école.

Heureusement, je me remettais vite de cette phase et me résolvais à expérimenter avec un style plus sobre. A 18 ans, j’alternais entre un style mode et hippie (inspiré par ma nouvelle obsession du cinéma français). C’était une approche plutôt schizophrène à l’habillement, mais qui avait quand même fini par me donner un style avant-gardiste.

Néanmoins, il exigeait que je dévalise la garde-robe de ma mère pour trouver le pull vintage ou la chemise à imprimé floral parfaite. Je me prenais vraiment pour Serge Gainsbourg.

En 2008, Gossip Girl devint la nouvelle mode. Ceci donna naissance à ma phase métrosexuelle, et avec, une nouvelle ère de mode de mauvais goût. Ce n’est que lorsque mon ami Tshepiso et moi nous réveillions un matin à Johannesburg, revêtus de jeans moulants bleus clairs assortis et de nœuds papillons à pois, que je me rendis compte que nous avions poussé la blague un peu trop loin. « Sacré Chucker ! »

L’année dernière, je découvris l’art de bloguer sur la mode, ainsi que les merveilles de partager ses écrits sur le vaste monde de l’internet. Mon style commença à refléter le mode de vie que je croyais mener.

Mais pas de la meilleure manière. J’abusais des jeans moulants, des chaussures bateau et des chapeaux Amish. Je tenais tellement à être cool. Je grimace à chaque fois que je revois une photo de cette période. J’étais arrivé au point où j’étais convaincu que je pouvais lancer une gamme de Dashikis Tiers Monde Hipster.

Aujourd’hui, j’ai abandonné l’attitude « chaque-jour- que-dieu- fait-est- un-photo- shoot-de-mode- urbaine ». Je me focalise désormais beaucoup plus sur le confort, en prenant note des looks de n’importe quelle ère qui m’intéresse, et en adaptant ceux-ci à mon propre style et à ma taille. C’est sûr que j’ai l’air d’un idiot parfois. Et au grand bonheur de beaucoup, certains de ces moments ont été « immortalisés » sur films. Mais je trouve que la mode, ça devrait être amusant et loufoque, joviale et audacieux. Alors quand je regarde ces précieuses photos, moi aussi je ne peux m’empêcher de sourire.

WHAT NOT TO WEAR

By Tanlume Enyatseng. Photos by Giancarlo Calaméo LaGuerta

GROWING UP, I WAS NEVER A FORMAL KIND OF GUY. As early as ten, I preferred to wear neon green, latex tights with a tie-dye T-shirt and flip flops – usually with
disastrous results. I envied the more put-together boys, effortless in their tailored pants dressed up with crisp golf shirts. But at heart, I was a hipster, always rooting through bargain bags at flea markets for, say, a snakeskin vest, which for some reason I just had to own.

There was never a point when I wasn’t experimenting with clothes, hence a certain photo of me as a two-year- old in a garish, ill-fitting 80s prom dress, yes, DRESS! My mother was complicit in that stunt; she loved dressing up my older sisters and me in a variety of ridiculous get-ups. I believe she hadn’t come to terms with having a son. Not until my younger brother was born.

I honestly think there have been times when my sanity may have abandoned me completely. Allow me to take you on a brief tour of my fashion disasters….

By 1999, I was a carefree, Spice Girls-obsessed eleven year-old. Was there ever a time when knee-high Nike logo socks looked good with denim shorts and a pink Lacoste polo? I may have been satisfied with myself, but in a photo taken at the time, I’m skinny and awkward. My hair is in a Shaft-style Afro, my newly adolescent face is oily, and my stick legs bow out at bizarre angles, sort of like Bambi’s when she first learned to walk.

Two years later, I was making my ascent up the hellish mountain that is teenagedom. In other words, I was a total dick. My clothing reflected this. I was also transitioning from private to public school, and the alpha guys at my new school were rigorous in their enforcement of the social pecking order. If you weren’t big and brawny, you were a target. You were an outcast confined to the dark recesses of the lunchroom – or worse.

Somehow I managed to slip through the cracks and avoid both being teased and being labelled a nerd. With the fear of being bullied gone — and no ambitions to be popular – I explored my sartorial whims in the fashion department.

My style references now were Kwaito music videos, and this brief period prowling the Manyora subculture had an interesting effect on my style. Gone were the checked shorts and Nike accessories. In their place arrived the Dickies two-piece ensembles, Converse high-tops, and bucket hats. I was that guy that “kind of overdid it a little” and was trying to get attention through his clothes. I mean, I wore a silk robe and torn sneakers (a la Trompies) to school once.

Thankfully, I soon moved on to experimenting with a more toned-down look. By around 18, I was alternating between mod and hippie (inspired by a new obsession with new wave French cinema). It was a schizophrenic approach to dressing that ended up yielding some fairly fashion-forward looks and often required ransacking my mum’s
closet for the perfect vintage sweater or floral shirt. I really thought I was Serge Gainsbourg.

But in 2008, Gossip Girl was the new shit. This spawned my metrosexual phase – and another era of bad fashion. When my friend Tshepiso and I woke up one morning in Johannesburg clad in matching baby-blue skinny jeans and polka dot bowties, I realized we’d taken the joke way too far. “Damn that Mother Chucker!” Last year, I discovered fashion blogging and the wonders of sharing my writing on the World Wide Web. My style began to reflect the lifestyle I (thought I) was leading. Just not in a good way.

I overdid the skinny jeans, boat shoes and Amish hat look. I wanted to be so cool so bad. I cringe whenever I come across a photo from that period. It got to the point where I thought I could start a range of Third World Hipster dashikis.

Now I have ditched the everyday-is- a street-style- shoot vibe and focus on comfort, taking key looks from whichever era interests me and working them around my own style and body size. Sure, I may look like a total idiot at times, and to the delight of many, some of those moments have been “immortalized” on film. But fashion should be funny and silly, joyful and irreverent. So when I look at those priceless photographs, I can’t help but smile too.