A Disreputable Love

“I never intended to hurt my husband. I loved this man in my own way, but I loved him nonetheless. Of all the women I met, none were ever able to love me the way he did. For that I was very grateful to him, but I couldn’t help it that my love for women was stronger than anything.

My husband was becoming increasingly affectionate. One evening, I came home and was amazed to find that my husband had cooked, set the table, and only his little family was missing for it to form the perfect dinner picture. Adele, I have wished to love my husband. He deserved it more than anyone. I have hated Kenar. I have hated God. I have hated the devil. I would look at my husband, and behind his smile I would see fear. Fear that one day I would
leave him for a woman. He would stroke my wedding ring, take my hand, kiss me and remind me how much he loved me. Some days, I would tell myself that I could at least have done Edoukou that favor: remain married to him. But I chose to follow my heart, to follow my desire to wake up by my wife’s side, to have a real family life. That’s what I have preferred to the happiness my husband never ceased to give me. Adele, battling with all this was not easy.”

Auntie Dohoun was gardening when I arrived. I helped her plant and get rid of a few weeds. We then went to the kitchen, where she brought out some yoghurt for Merveille, who she then settled in the living room.

  • Keisha, thank you for marrying Edoukou and for making him a happy man. I honestly did not believe you could do it. You are a strong person and no matter what one might say, no one in the family has as much courage and guts as you do.
  • Why are you telling me all these things, Auntie?
  • Please, don’t interrupt me. You made different choices when you thought you were displaying your attraction for people of the same sex too openly. I will tell you something that no one, beside my spiritual father, knows.

She remained silent for a minute. Tears rolled down her cheeks, then she continued:

  • She was beautiful. I met her during a mission in Italy. We called her Maria because of her astonishing beauty, but her real name was Anne. Between this girl and I was born a friendship that nobody could explain. We grew closer and became inseparable. One evening, she offered her lips and I did not turn them down. That day marked the beginning of something unique. We had fallen deeply in love with each other to the point where it was practically impossible to keep us apart. I stayed in Italy for three years, and during all that time she and I maintained our passionate romance. Everything ended when I returned home. She also went back to her country. I came
    back sad and deeply pained by our separation. I wanted to stop everything, leave religious life, and go find Anne, so we could live our love. But I knew what the consequences would be if I were to disclose our affair. Me, usually so happy, I had become withdrawn. I had become another person. I knew I could not reveal what Anne and I had. I started sinking into a depression. I knew I needed to talk. Your grandfather would never have allowed me to leave religious life, so I turned to a priest I knew to be very discreet. He helped me a lot, and little by little I came out of that depression. I severed all ties with Anne. I never stopped loving her, but out of principle I stopped talking to her.

Dans les taxis d’Abidjan

De Solange A. Musanganya. Photos de Christian Poll

Dès que j’eus pris place dans le taxi, Diallo s’est mis à bander… Aujourd’hui encore, tandis que je vous raconte cette histoire, je ne suis toujours pas parvenue à élucider le pourquoi et le comment de cette soudaine érection. Qu’est-ce qui pouvait mettre Diallo, le taximan dans cet état ? Sûrement pas le legging noir d’un genre très ordinaire que je portais ni le tee-shirt sans griffe qui cachait d’ailleurs parfaitement mes seins ! A moins que ce ne soit l’absence de soutien-gorge ! Mais de toute façon, je n’en porte jamais depuis deux ans que j’ai des seins ! Après mon opération mammaire, les rares fois que j’en ai porté, ils faisaient anormalement et indécemment pointer mes seins en l’air. Les soutiens-gorge ne me réussissent pas, de toute évidence. Etait-ce ces quelques millimètres de circonférence de mes tétons qui ont suscité cette bosse surdimensionnée dans le pantalon de Diallo? Je ne le saurais jamais.

Son sexe a anormalement pris du volume quand deux minutes plus tard je lui demandai si nous pouvons échanger nos numéros. Mais ne me comprenez pas mal : ce n’était pas à cause de son sexe gonflé à la satisfaction de ma vue que je lui demandai son contact mais plutôt pour la qualité de son service. Car dès que j’eus pris place dans le véhicule, Diallo avait eu la délicatesse de fermer les vitres et de mettre en marche la climatisation. Cela m’impressionna d’autant plus que le taxi était neuf et très propre, à l’intérieur comme à l’extérieur.

Diallo conduisait sans bruit, et peut-être était-il le seul chauffeur d’Abidjan qui eut la patience de laisser les autres taxis le dépasser sans ruminer de colère ni les insulter. Maitre de la conduite, je sus plus tard que Diallo avait au bout des doigts quatorze ans de métier et avait pris le volant pour la première fois à l’âge de dix-huit ans. L’état de la voiture, sa maitrise du volant, la politesse exquise avec laquelle il s’adressait à moi, son allure constituaient un ensemble d’attraits qui m’aimantait vers lui et me faisait former le vœu de le revoir régulièrement à mon service. Pourtant, et pour être honnête, il me faut avouer que la vue de ce sexe prenant des dimensions prodigieuses devant moi a aussi influencé, en partie, mon envie de garder le contact avec lui. C’est que je me sentais doublement appréciée!

Du quartier des Deux plateaux à celui de Yopougon est une longue distance à parcourir. Diallo avait accepté sans hésiter ma proposition de lui payer 2000fcfa la
course malgré les bouchons récurrents à cette heure-là. Nous étions partis pour passer presque une heure ensemble dans sa voiture. Sa langue se délia au gré des
embouteillages. Il en profita pour me parler de lui. Je l’écoutais avec attention. Musulman pratiquant, il était Dioula, originaire du Nord de la Côte d’ivoire.  Marié et père de deux enfants, il avait un profil communément stable. Et dans le feu de la conversation, sans raison apparente, il me dit que cela faisait plus de deux mois qu’il n’avait pas fait l’amour, que cette situation d’abstinence lui donnait parfois des réactions désordonnées lorsqu’une femme se trouvait assise à ses côtés, surtout si cette dernière est belle. J’esquivai et fis semblant de ne rien entendre de cette intime confidence. Je n’avais pas de solution appropriée à apporter à sa préoccupation en dehors d’une écoute active. Je finis par le persuader de m’entretenir de l’état des routes à Abidjan et l’histoire des bâtiments que nous dépassions et les noms des quartiers que nous traversions.

Diallo était grand de taille et de large carrure. Son taxi et sa personne ressortaient facilement du commun des taximen de la ville. Son français était parfait. Son attitude vis-à- vis de la clientèle était proche des standards occidentaux. J’osai croire qu’il se comportait ainsi avec tout le monde. Il parlait peu de vive voix mais ses yeux et l’expression de son visage étaient intarissables. Je dirais même que son corps entier parlait plus que sa langue.

  • Etes- vous mariée, me demanda-t- il avec un sourire.
  • Non, pas encore, lui répondis-je en lui rendant son sourire plus brillant.
  • Savez- vous conduire ? M’interrogea t-il.
  • Non, non, hélas, dis-je.

Il me proposa alors de poser la main sur le levier de vitesse et m’y aida. Sa voiture est manuelle comme la plupart des voitures d’Abidjan.

  • Je mets les vitesses et tu les sentiras dans ta main, dit-il, professionnel.

Il posa sa main au-dessus de la mienne.

  • ça c’est la quatrième vitesse. Elle est légère. La voiture roule légèrement, en douceur comme ta main.

Commenta-t- il en caressant mes doigts. Je le regardai dans les yeux, il me fit un sourire avec l’air de dire « j’ai sérieusement envie de toi, de te manger crue là, mais je sais que je ne peux pas, tu es hors de ma portée. » C’était un sourire de séduction et d’impuissance.
Il fit remonter l’embrayage vers le haut.

  • ça c’est la troisième vitesse, elle est plus dure, plus masculine, la voiture prend de la force et monte avec audace.

La sensation était agréable. Je me laissai draguer par ce chauffeur Ivoirien, je me fis naïve, enfant, j’écoutai et je souris, je parlai peu, je lui donnai le dessus.
Quand il m’eut déposée à Yopougon, toit rouge, devant le maquis Prestige, il me lança.

  • Je resterai dans cette commune à t’attendre. Appelles moi quand tu finis, le retour sera gratuit pour toi.

La tentation devenait forte.
Ma commission n’allait pas tarder. Vingt minutes suffisaient. J’ai appelé mon Diallo qui était là dans les cinq minutes qui ont suivi. L’allée fut aussi plaisante que le retour, même si je ne donnai plus ma main tout de suite pour me faire tripoter.

  • Ta main est tellement douce. Je ne cesse d’imaginer tout ton corps…

Diallo m’a ramenée dans ma résidence à Rosier programme 6, Je l’ai revu trois ou quatre fois la semaine qui a suivi. Il m’appelait même pendant ses jours de repos. Je le rémunérais comme je pouvais. Parfois, il refusait de prendre le prix de la course. Il connaissait le chemin vers chez moi comme s’il y venait tout le temps et me donnait un service direct devant la porte. Il était ponctuel et toujours disponible quand j’avais besoin d’un taxi.

Hier c’était son jour de travail. Je n’ai pas eu besoin de taxi. Le soir il m’a appelée, me demandant pourquoi je n’ai pas fait signe de vie. Je n’avais pas besoin de taxi toute la
journée. Il m’a demandé s’il peut venir me voir, si nous pouvons aller manger ensemble. J’avais faim et j’ai accepté son invitation. Nous sommes partis à Riviera 2, un coin très animé de jour comme de nuit, surtout aux heures du souper. Poisson braisé, boisson sucrée, je lui ai fait honneur de ne pas commander une bière, c’est haram pour les musulmans. Puis vint le temps de la conversation et de la confidence.

Il parla en premier.

  • Tu sais Aicha, tu ne me croiras pas si je te dis que je n’ai pas été à l’école française. Pourtant je sais lire et écrire. La preuve je t’envoie moi-même les sms. Mon père m’a mis dans une école coranique, c’est mon petit frère qui a fréquenté l’école française et qui m’apprenait à lire et écrire les abcd et moi je lui apprenais l’arabe. Je travaille fort, je suis une personne qui se débrouille bien, je vis ma vie que je gagne honnêtement, je suis responsable dans ma mosquée, capitaine dans l’équipe du quartier… mais toi, je ne sais pas pourquoi… mon corps a pris dès la seconde je t’ai vue.

Je l’écoutais. Il parlait et parlait. Je ne l’avais pas vu parler ainsi avant. Ses mots avaient l’air de lui venir droit du cœur, l’expression du visage qui accompagnait son discours n’avait rien de calculé. Je vous parle avec expérience. Oui j’ai rencontré des hommes hétéros qui ont une langue sucrée en face d’une femme. Diallo n’avait rien d’eux. Il n’avait pas besoin de me dire qu’il n’a pas fréquenté. Il savait très bien que ça allait jouer en sa défaveur, mais il me l’a dit.

Et j’ai demandé mon tour de paroles.

  • Moi aussi j’ai quelque chose à te dire. Très simple mais difficile à dire.
  • Finis de manger d’abord.

J’ai fini et j’ai repris la parole.

  • Oui je disais que j’avais quelque chose à te dire. Je ne suis pas une femme. Je suis un homme. Disons que j’ai l’organe sexuel des hommes, un pénis. Je n’ai pas de vagin.

Je ne me savais pas aussi directe, mais avec le background que je venais d’écouter de lui, il me fallait être simple dans les mots et non chercher les mots compliqués pour expliquer une situation non habituelle.

Sa réponse me surprit.

  • Je le savais. Je le sais depuis le premier jour que je t’ai vue et je me suis déjà donné la réponse à moi-même : ça ne me dérange pas. Tu es belle, gentille,
    intelligente, fascinante, aucun homme ne peut te résister, même en sachant la vérité sur toi. Tu sais, j'ai déjà rencontré une personne presque comme toi. Dans mon métier de taxi on rencontre toutes sortes de choses. Pour elle je ne savais pas jusqu’à ce qu’elle me le dise. La seule différence avec toi c’est que dès qu’elle me l’a dit, elle voulait tout de suite coucher avec moi. Je ne voulais pas. Toi c’est différent. Je n’ai jamais vu en toi une intention de vouloir coucher avec moi. Je me suis toujours mis en disposition pour toi pour ça, rien. » Il mit une pause.
    En fait c’est toi qui parlais… désolé de t’avoir coupé la parole. Conclut-il.

Je n’avais plus rien à dire. On est resté silencieux. En bon Ivoirien il a payé toute la facture.  En descendant les escaliers du bar, il m’a pris par la main. En entrant dans son taxi, il n’a pas laissé ma main sur la vitesse comme d’habitude, il l’a dirigée sur sa cuisse, entre ses cuisses, et m’a fait palper son sexe gonflé en érection maximale. Je palpais en silence ce concombre qui descendait jusque vers le genou gauche, j’enlevais ma main par occasion et il la reprenait avec autorité pour la remettre sur son sexe bandé. C’est un musulman du nord, un dioula, cousin des haussa du Cameroun, le mythe se vérifie. Le geste a provoqué l’effet semblable chez moi. Normal, ca faisait un an que je n’avais pas connu un homme intimement. En arrivant chez moi il m’a demandé « est ce que je peux utiliser tes toilettes? » Il savait très bien que mes toilettes étaient directement connectées à ma chambre à coucher et qu’il faut passer par là pour
y accéder. A vous de deviner la suite, vous êtes des grandes personnes et moi une grande dame.

Je sens encore l’odeur de son parfum sur ma serviette avec laquelle il s’est essuyé après la longue douche de fin prise ensemble. Rien qu’en la reniflant les frissons me parcourent le corps en souvenir de la nuit d’hier. Elle restera longtemps non lavée. Eh Diallo. Eh Allah… Dieu est grand. A nous d’apprécier sa création qui nous fait reconnaitre son immensité.

Abidjan Cab Ride

By Solange A. Musanganya. Photos by Christian Poll

The moment I stepped into the cab, Diallo started getting aroused…Till today, as I am telling this story, I can’t explain the reason for this sudden erection. What could have caused Diallo, the cab driver, to be in such a state? It could not have been the basic black leggings I was wearing, nor the round collar t-shirt that entirely covered my breasts. Unless it was the absence of a bra! But I have not worn a bra in two years of having boobs. After my surgery, the few times I did wear a bra, it made my breasts stick out oddly and indecently. Bras were obviously not for me. Could my nipples have caused the oversized bulge in Diallo’s pants? I will never know. Shortly after his penis started bulking up, I asked him for his number. Don’t get me wrong, I was not asking for his number because of his enlarged genitals but because of the quality of his service. You see, the moment I got in his car, Diallo was thoughtful enough to roll up the
windows and turn on the AC. I was impressed, more so since the cab was new and clean, both inside and out.

Diallo drove silently, and he was probably the only taxi driver in Abidjan patient enough to let other taxis go before him without losing his temper or insulting anyone. He was a great driver. I later learned that Diallo had more than fourteen years of driving experience. He was eighteen the first time he got behind the wheel. The condition of the car, his control of the wheel, the courtesy with which he addressed me, his appearance, all these things attracted me to him like a magnet and made me want to have him regularly at my service. But if I were honest, I would admit that seeing his penis taking on such enormous proportions also influenced my desire to stay in touch with him. You see, I felt doubly appreciated!

It is quite far from Deux Plateaux to Yopougon, yet despite the dense traffic at that time of day, Diallo accepted without hesitation my offer to pay him just 2000 fcfa. We had a good one-hour trip together, and the conversation flowed progressively. He told me about himself. I listened attentively. He was a devout Muslim. a Dioula from the northern part of Cote d’Ivoire. Married.

Two children. He was an ordinary guy. But in the midst of our conversation and for no apparent reason, he confessed that it had been two months since he last had sex and that this abstinence was causing him to have unusual reactions around women. Especially, he added, when they were beautiful. I pretended not to hear this intimate confession. Other than offering a sympathetic ear, I could not think of any available solution to his problem. I managed to steer the conversation towards the condition of the road, the history of the buildings we were driving past, and the names of the neighborhoods we were going through.

Diallo was tall and had broad shoulders. His person as well as his cab easily stood out from the other drivers. His French was perfect, his demeanor very close to western standards. I was willing to believe that he behaved like this with everyone. He seldom raised his voice, but his eyes and facial expressions betrayed this calmness. In fact, it seemed that his body as a whole did more speaking than his tongue.

  • Are you married? he asked with a smile.
  • No, not yet, I answered, returning the smile
  • Can you drive? he inquired.
  • No, unfortunately, I replied.

He then offered to put my hand on the gearshift and guide me. His car was manual, like most cars in Abidjan.

  • I am going to shift gears. You will feel it in your hand, he said, sounding professional.

He put his hand on top of mine.

  • This is the fourth gear. It’s light. The ride is smooth, soft … like your hand, he
    commented, caressing my fingers. I looked him in the eyes. He smiled as if to say “I
    really want you. I want to have you right here, right now. But I know I can’t. You are out
    of my league.” It was a smile of seduction but also powerlessness.

He shifted gears again.

  • This is the third gear. It’s harder. More masculine. The car is gaining in strength,
    becoming cocky.

It was a pleasant feeling. I was letting this Ivorian taxi driver hit on me. I made myself naïve,
child-like. I was listening. I was smiling. I was saying very little, allowing him to have the upper
hand.
When he dropped me off at Yopougon Toit Rouge, in front of the restaurant Prestige, he said:

  • I’ll stay in this neighborhood to wait for you. Call me when you’re done. Your next ride
    is free.

I was strongly tempted. My errand was not going to take long.
I was done in twenty minutes. I called my Diallo and five minutes later, he was there. Even though I was no longer handing myself over to be touched, the return trip was just as pleasant.

  • Your hand is so soft. I can only imagine what the rest of your body must be like…

Diallo took me back to my residence, at Rosier Programme 6. The following week, I saw him three or four times. He called me even during his days off. I paid him as much as I could. Sometimes, he would refuse any payment. He soon knew the way to my place like the back of his hand and would pick me up right in front of my house. He was punctual and always available whenever I needed a cab.

Yesterday was a work day for him, but I had not needed a taxi. That night, he called me, asking why he had not heard from me. “I did not need a cab today”. He asked if he could come see me, if we could have dinner together. I was hungry. I accepted his invitation. We went to Riviera 2, a spot that was lively at all times of the day but especially at dinner time. I ordered grilled fish and soft drinks. Out of respect, I did not have any alcohol. During our conversation, he opened up to me:

  • Aicha, you know I never got a western education, but I can read and write. All the texts I
    send you, I write them myself. My father put me in a Koranic school. My little brotherwas the one who went to a “French” school and taught me how to read and write. In
    return, I taught him Arabic. I am a hard worker. I earn a decent living, and I do so
    honestly. I am a chair in my mosque, a team leader in my neighborhood …But you…I
    don’t know why, but my body reacted the moment I saw you.

I was listening to him. He was going on and on. I had never seen him talk like this before. This monologue seemed to come straight from his heart. From his facial expression, I could tell it was not premeditated. And I am telling you this from experience. I have met straight men who could sweet talk a woman. Diallo was nothing like them. He did not need to tell me that he had not gone to school. He knew that admitting something like this would not play to his advantage, but he confessed it nonetheless.

So I decided to be honest with him as well.

  • I also have something to tell you. It’s very simple, but difficult to say.
  • We can finish eating first.

After we were done eating, I continued:

  • As I was saying, I have something to tell you. I am not a woman. I am a man. Well…let’s
    just say, I have male sexual organs…a penis. I don’t have a vagina…

I did not know I could be this straightforward, but because of what he had just shared, I knew I had to be simple and forgo complicated terms.

His answer surprised me.

  • I already knew. I have known since the first time I saw you, and I had already made up my mind: it does not bother me. You are beautiful, nice, smart, and fascinating. No man could resist you, even knowing the truth. You know, I met someone like you once. In my job, I come across all kinds of people. For her, I did not know until she told me. The only difference with you is that she wanted to sleep with me the minute she told me the truth about herself, but I did not want to. With you, it’s different. I never perceived any interest from you. I have always made myself available for you in that way, but nothing.

He paused.

  • You were the one talking…I’m sorry I cut you off…, he concluded

I did not have anything else to say. We remained silent. Typical Ivorian man that he was, he took care of the bill. As we were walking down the stairs, he took my hand. This time, when we got inside the car, he did not leave my hand on the gearshift. He guided it to his lap, between his legs. He made me touch his penis, which was fully erect. In silence, I stroked this huge cucumber that stretched to his knee. Whenever I took my hand away, he firmly put it back. He is a Muslim from the North. A Dioula, cousin of the Hausas from Cameroun. So the myth is true …. His ardor had a similar effect on me. No surprise there. It had been a year since I had been intimate with a man. When we arrived at my place, he asked if he could use my bathroom. He knew exactly where it would be. He knew he would have to go through my bedroom. You can imagine the rest. You are adults, and I am a grown woman.

I can still smell his scent on the towel he used after the long shower we took together. I still shiver when I think about last night. This towel will remain unwashed for a long time. Eh. Diallo. Eh, Allah… God is indeed great, and we can appreciate His greatness through His creation.