By Bonnie Sepora

Whenever someone flirts with me, they sooner or later, sometimes indirectly but more often just straight out, ask me whether I am top or bottom or versatile. I’m used to it, but it still makes me uncomfortable. I’ve even had guys come up and tell me I look like I might be good at “receiving.” Once I was even told I looked like I’d enjoy being “pounded.”

Isn’t it strange that someone who doesn’t know a thing about me should need to pin a label on me right from the start?

Why is sexual labelling the favourite social game of most gay men? And why do black gay men seem to take it to another level?

TOPS, TOTAL TOPS, ORAL TOPS, VERSATILE TOPS, VERSATILES, VERSATILE BOTTOMS, BOTTOMS, TOTAL BOTTOMS, POWER BOTTOMS … and all kinds of deranged derivatives. I say deranged because usually when African gay men refer to themselves using their label du jour, they are lying. Simply put, a lot of us are living in a state of denial.*

I have no problem with anyone’s chosen sexual label, as long as they are being honest and have adopted the label based on what actually gives them pleasure. I do have a problem when African gay and bisexual men use labels to distance themselves from the bottom of the totem pole (pun intended)

When we delude ourselves into thinking that being penetrated makes us “passive” or less of a man, we internalize religious and socially constructed values that have been instrumental in our oppression over the years and have no place in the lives of healthy black gay and bisexual men in 2010.

Yet go on Gaydar.co.za or Adam4Adam.com and you will find a totally disproportionate number of black tops. If 90 percent of us are tops, then who is “getting pounded?”

Being the inquisitive black man that I am, I decided to perform a simple test. I created a profile on Adam4Adam and I labelled the fictitious character “Total top.” I called him Tumo, gave him a very large penis and let it be known that anyone lucky enough to hook up with Tumo should be prepared to “get your back blown out” (because that’s the kind of crazy talk I often see on the site). If you don’t see the crazy in this, please talk to someone.

What do you think happened? Every time Tumo logged on, numerous other “total tops” would gather round and practically beg to feel him inside them. They thirstily sent their digits, and most wanted raw sex. A few wanted to “get flooded” (but that’s a whole other topic).

My African, gay, bisexual and men-seeking brothers, we are sick and we need help. Our deep seated denial has taken us, psychologically, to a very unhealthy place. It is a sad day when we can’t even be honest with ourselves, let alone with other fellow black gay and bisexual men.

Of course, I wasn’t surprised by the result of my social experiment. I have counselled many gay and bisexual men, so I am fully aware of the issues we have with our sexuality. From an early age, we hear “sissy,” “faggots,” and other hurtful words, along with judgments about being “abominations” destined for hell. No wonder so many of us end up in a place of shame and self-loathing (often masked by alcohol and drugs).

And then there is the emasculation of black men brought on by racism and all the things this has done to the African male psyche, gay and straight. African men are socialized to exaggerate and over-value their masculinity; machismo is the norm.

So it’s no surprise that it should be so hard for many of us to admit that we like getting fucked. We see bottoms as weaker and “gayer” than tops, and some bottoms start seeing themselves as nothing but passive receptacles. They become “total bottoms” – the ones who have no need for their dicks to even be touched. In my opinion, neither “total” tops (i.e. tops who don’t even suck) nor “total” bottoms (who don’t mind never being sucked) are sexually or psychologically whole.

Black men who present themselves as total tops, but are in denial, pose a huge problem to our community. If you can’t admit to yourself that you like being penetrated, you are less likely to be prepared for safer sex. When you are fixated on labelling yourself as a top and ashamed of your bottoming desires, but happen to meet someone who makes your rectum twitch, the most usual coping mechanism is to get high. You are also more likely to go for harder stuff such as cocaine or meth or anything else that is on the table. Next thing you know, you are getting banged out raw and flooded.

Later you block it out; you are a top, and it never happened. And because you are a top and some “mojita” told you that tops can’t get HIV, you never get tested. Fast-forward a few years, and you are lying in the ER being told you have AIDS (not HIV, but AIDS). All because you couldn’t admit to yourself that like many men – like most gay men and even some straight men – you like being penetrated, because it feels damn good.

Of course, there are some who have a very low pain threshold, impatient lovers, or just too many hang-ups about “down there.” and never get to fully enjoy being penetrated. Ninety percent of the pain is psychological and comes from the stories you have been fed.

But stories about the shame or pain of penetration aren’t the only harmful myths in circulation. Here’s another that is just as harmful. Being a top does not make you any manlier than your fellow black man who can take the initial couple of minutes of pain, pay his damn bills, and feed your hungry ass too. Most total tops are only a bigger dick, a more masculine dude and a few blunts or beers away from throwing their own legs in the air.

As for all that other stuff that some total tops say they don’t do, like sucking dick etc. –that just means your sex is boring. If all you can do is get your dick sucked and then bang some hole, sorry to break it to you but you are not “good in bed.” There are sex toys that will give your partner more pleasure.

I will finish by just repeating that these labels are all fake. Worse still, they harm our ability to sustain long-term relationships. And this is not just my view, it is backed up by research and data. I would like you to think about it, to take a moment and really think about the sexual label you use. Does it truly represent who you are and what you want as an African gay or bisexual man? Be honest with yourself. What’s wrong with simply saying you feel like topping or bottoming tonight? It doesn’t tie you down to a label you can’t live up to. What’s wrong with two African men loving each other and having great sex, both willing and wanting to please the other, safe in the knowledge that their masculinity is not being compromised by anything they feel like doing? Being honest with yourself and your lovers shows strength and self-respect – and what could be more “manly” than that? Let’s get it together, African gay and bisexual men!